Mama

Wow...I'm a mom.  How'd that happen?!? Wait, don't explain it to me. Of course I already know. But it's just so weird! I have to say, there's nothing like it. Every day is new and scary, yet absolutely wonderful. I get to watch this little man grow! When I look down at him as he eats (every two and a half to three hours, by the way...my goodness!) all I can think about is what a magnificent creation he is. He is so delicately constructed, each little finger, toe, breath - everything a reflection of our Creator's ability and grandeur! Even if I didn't believe in God, I feel like having a child would have to make a person question his or her unbelief. There's just too much perfection and detail for happenstance, in my opinion.
I often also find my mind wandering to who this little man's going to be. What's he going to look like? My goodness, he'll be taller than I am someday! What will he be interested in? He'll have no choice to like traveling and music - that's just too engrained into who his parents are :). Will he be science-minded? Math-minded? Literature-minded like both of his parents? Hopefully a balance, but I won't mind whatever the outcome. Will he like hiking and camping, or sports, or art, or...there are just so many unknowns! And I guess I'm glad. When I think about how much my parents don't know about me, as I continue to change and grow into a different person over the years, it makes me realize that knowing this tiny boy means constant discovery and adventure. Raising a child means choosing to commit your life to knowing and loving this new being. No day will lack newness, especially if I initiate and encourage that adventure.
I saw a quote on Pinterest the other day that simply said "Be you, bravely."  What a beautiful statement. When we are fully ourselves, we foster confidence, strength, and intention. Personally, I believe life takes these qualities only second to love! I'm thinking of framing that quote and putting it in Isaac's room. He may not understand the meaning or significance behind it for years, or maybe he'll never have a problem being fully himself (wait..I teach high school...I've never seen a kid not struggle with this at some point!), but my hope is that it will be a constant reminder of how to live life with intention.
As I read over this post, I realize it's not really about motherhood. I mean, it is...it's about my stream of consciousness and what I want for my son (and for me, I guess). It's about awe and wonder. It's about the present and the future, and in some sense the past. There's just so much to this! Every day is new and scary, yet absolutely wonderful. And I hope it continues to be.

Was it necessary for everyone to die in the end?

On a recent essay I assigned for my students I asked my sophomores if they believed it was necessary for everyone to die at the end of Shakespeare's Hamlet and why.  It's amazing how many of them said yes with the reason that "they deserved it."  They said that all of the characters who died did a lot of bad things and they needed to pay for it.  Many of them even mentioned the characters' sins.  It made me think about real life and how we all deserve punishment for the bad things we do, and we all do a LOT of bad things.  I, for one, am so thankful and humbled at the fact that I am not going to get what I deserve.  I deserve punishment, guilt, and death, yet I have been made clean through Christ.  He has taken my punishment for me.  I have a God who loves me more than I could ask or imagine and I am so thankful for that! 

What Am I? (Stream of Thought)

I think what people don't understand about teachers is that we are so much more than just teachers.  What is a teacher, anyway?  Are we simply those who educate?  Are we those who develop intellect?  Well, yes, hopefully, but we're also counselors, mentors, examples at all times, parents, mediators, actors and actresses, guardians, and peace keepers.  We are managers and planners and organizers and creative thinkers.  We run entire communities. 
My job is more than a lesson plan and a grade.  My job is six hours of "always-on-my-game" plus another four of everything else.  When other people are starting their first break, I'm also starting mine except that my first break is my 20-minute lunch out of my 10-hour day.  When my kids have great days, I have to have a great day.  When my kids have horrible days, I have to have a great attitude anyway.  When my kids experience tragedy, I am their constancy.  I get them to think, do, listen, and feel.  I get them to care.  I get them to imagine.  I love them completely through nurturing and discipline.  I exemplify grace.  When I work through my exhaustion, I teach them what that looks like by staying positive, energetic, and honest.  I don't hide myself.  I live their lives with them.  I treat them like adults.  I respect them.  I don't look down on them or what I do - I truly went into teaching because I love what I do.
I had a student say today say "there are very few teachers who say that who aren't full of BS."  When I responded that I hoped he felt I am one of the few, he knew very clearly that I am.  Yes, there are teachers who are completely worn out and those who have given up on the school system more so than even those complaining parents.  That's because we are not respected.  What we do is not understood by anyone outside of the others who do it along side us.  And then I come to the end of my week and while everyone else around me is tired, I am completely drained.  I have given my all to what I love and I have nothing left for myself.  I know this isn't good.  I know I need to be better and more balanced.  If only who I am personally and professionally made sense to the world around me, maybe then I'd have it all together.

Empathetic Pets

I had a cat when I was growing up and her name was Tabitha.  I named her that so I could call her Tabby for short - obviously, she was a tabby cat or I'd have no reason to be so clever.  She lived outside, so I didn't spend much time with her except in summers, but she was the most empathetic cat I've ever known.  If I was angry, she knew it and she'd react.  If I was happy, she was playful.  And if I was sad, she'd crawl right in my lap and cuddle.  She just knew when I needed her.
Now we have two cats - Max and Mika - and neither of them have a drop of empathy in their blood.  I love them dearly, don't get me wrong, but cuddling happens on their time only.  In fact, often when I need them most are the times when I feel they're most distant.  Dumb cats.  Learn some manners!
All this to say I want an empathetic cat.  I want a cat who feels my feelings with me.  I want a cat to cuddle with when I need it and to be my friend.  Sounds pathetic, eh?  Like I'm some old lonely cat lady, hoarding dozens of felines in every room.  I can just see them now: cats coming out of the cupboards, living on the shelves, taking over the bed...what a sight!

The Labyrinth

Lately at counseling we've been talking about where I've run off to.  No, I don't mean literally.  I mean where the person I used to be went.  Some parts of that person I have willingly thrown over a cliff hoping that she will die (let's call her Shame). However, along with Shame was a confident, powerful, sexy young woman who I'm afraid clung herself to the beast I flung away and has completely disappeared.  Shame was so much stronger than Confidence that it locked her beyond my reach.  So...we've been working on finding her.  We've sent out a search party to rescue the essence of who God made me to be so I can be more than this shell, this mask, this hollow facade of what once was.
The loss of this girl has affected my friendships and my marriage.  I'm reserved and withdrawn, which makes me feel lonely and unknown.  And it's all my fault, I guess.  But I don't want to be like this!  I want to be bubbly and open and daring and exciting.  I want to be sexy and bold and desirable!  And today, I found a little piece of that girl simply by twirling my hair. 
Apparently when we access parts of our brain that take us to buried memories, our entire bodies revert to behavior associated with those memories. At one point during tonight's discussion, Ed asked "Did the girl you used to be play with her hair a lot?"  Well that was a weird question.  Without answering, I asked, "Why?" 
Before I exposed too much, I wanted to hear his motives.  I suddenly realized I had been twirling my hair that very moment...so what was the catch?  Then I remembered that when I'd go dancing (by far when I felt the most attractive and desirable) I'd twist my hair and pull it off of my neck.  As we'd been talking about this girl I want to be, the first clue at where that girl is came peeking out.  YES!!! She's still in there!  There is hope for saving this lost girl!

If you've ever seen that glorious 80's classic The Labyrinth, then you probably remember the scene where Sarah is in the maze and decides to mark her path with lipstick so she remembers her way back to where she started.  You probably also remember David Bowie in spandex, but that's a whole different discussion!  On every tile Sarah marks, little men speaking gibberish pop out of the ground and turn the square to face the wrong direction just as Sarah moves out of sight.  Finding the girl I want to be inside the hidden parts of my mind is like Sarah finding her way through the maze without her lipstick trail.  The trip is exhausting, trying, confusing and emotional.  Shame continually throws distractions and diversions in front of me, yet hopefully at the end of the journey I can say to my Shame, "You have no power over me!" and Confidence will be free.

Broken Record

I know I say this all the time, but I want to write more.  I want to blog.  I want to share my ideas, my thoughts, my opinions, my observations...I wrote in a journal consistently from the summer before ninth grade through after college and somehow that just evaporated from my life.  I think I wrote a journal to feel known.  I've spent the majority of my life in the background, unnoticed and unobserved, and journaling was a way to be heard without having to risk finding someone to listen.  I guess I want that now.  I'm feeling low - empty, sad, self-conscious - and I want a way out.  Maybe this isn't the best way, but it's not my only avenue.  Ugh...I'm just rambling.  Anyway, it's time to fix the record, stop saying I'm going to write more, and actually start doing it.  Here I go...

The Life I Want To Live

Today I hung out with my friend Jackie after work.  She lives out near Green River Community College, which is in the opposite direction from my house if you're coming from Kentridge.  I'm not quite sure why, but on the way home I decided to go the long way...the REALLY long way.  What should have taken me twenty minutes tops took me an hour, but I loved it! 
You see, I love adventures but I hardly ever get them.  Not that driving out of the way is much of an adventure, but I went on the back roads and on roads I'd never been on.  I nearly got lost a couple times and it was perfect!  One thing I like to do is scope out future residencies, like roads I'd like to live on or areas I'd like to live in.  Today I went down a few of those.
By no means am I living my dream life.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but if I could live exactly the way I want to it would look nothing like how I do, starting with my lovely abode.  I currently live in a two-bedroom apartment with a noisy downstairs neighbor, not enough parking, and a street light right outside my window.  My dream house is a country-style two story house with a wrap-around porch on at least two acres of land.  In the back is a huge patio or deck, large enough for entertaining, plus a large grass area and plenty of trees and ferns.  There's a porch swing in the front and a large circular driveway speckled with huge trees but not so many that the sun doesn't come through.  Inside, it's open and welcoming with exposed beams on the ceiling and a large loft on the second story.  Large windows on the front and back let in plenty of sunlight.  In the far corner of the back yard is a chicken house with ten laying chickens and a goat barn with two goats for milking.  Our dog, some sort of lab, runs around our yard with no fear of him running away since we have the invisible fence.  Our two cats, Max and Mika, sit in the big window watching the birds in the trees and the humming birds drink from the feeders.  Last but not least, there's a long media room above the detached garage (which is really a studio for my DIY projects) with a pool table on one end, tiered seating facing one wall, and a projector with a Bose sound system for watching our favorite movies.
*sigh*  I guess everyone has dreams that will never be fulfilled, right?  I mean, seriously...two teacher's salaries?  My dream will never come true.  And if I really did have chickens and goats (which I really do want), I'd have to tend to them, which means I couldn't work full time.  And I'd love that.  Another part of my dream is getting to a point in my teaching career where eight hours a day five days a week really is all I have to put in rather than ten hours a day five days a week, plus weekends.  But that's another dream that's truly just a fantasy.  My goodness...how life ends up so differently than we expect!  And I'm still young!  Goodness gracious. 

From the Moon to Helms Deep

Okay, not really, but everything here does feel like it's straight out of a Lord of the Rings movie.  Yesterday morning we decided to rent a car and we've been exploring the areas to the north and south of Reykjavik ever since.  We've driven approximately 450 miles in the past two days and, man, what an adventure it's been!  On day one it seemed that Iceland was one big flat lava field covered in thick moss.  Yesterday, however, we headed north along the coast and we definitely found our mountains.  The weird thing is that the mountains come straight up out of the flat plains and there are hardly any trees on any of them.  This is definitely not Western Washington!  As we headed north along the coast, I kept hoping to see a whale but sadly that dream has not yet become a reality.  A whale or a puffin...I've gotta see one before I go!
Anyway, after heading north for a while, we followed a fjord to its inner-most point where we went hiking up an old trail to a waterfall.  It's supposedly the highest waterfall on all of Iceland.  We actually couldn't make it all the way, though, because we were stopped by a river that I'm sure people walk across during the summer without getting their feet wet.  However, we decided to come in early spring and, as a result, the river was much too high for us to cross.  Instead, we found deep caves and caverns, abandoned military and farm houses, huge fields of thick grass to frolic in, and all sorts of other interesting things.  By no means was it time wasted!

Today we headed out again but to the south this time.  The terrain is much different heading to the south than it is to the north.  We encountered the lava fields that we saw on the first day but eventually found more mountains, like in the north.  It was so weird because if you looked out one side of the car the landscape was completely flat and led straight to the ocean.  People actually farmed this land, but we're not quite sure what they're farming because it just looks like a bunch of grass and Icelandic horses to us.  If you looked out the other side of the car it almost looked like eastern Washington, or maybe Utah.  Huge stacks of rocks and sharp mountains protruded from the earth in varying shades of brown, black and green.  You could see on the sides of the mountains where the earth had fallen off of the side to make sharp cliffs.  Every once in a while a pillar of steam would rise from some random spot on the mountainside.  The hot springs are anything but few and far between around here.  We actually saw a little one about a foot from the road yesterday with no covering or barrier or anything keeping people from walking right up to it.  I guess it's common enough around here that they don't have to worry about kids touching the literally boiling water.
Though the hot springs are interesting, the main attractions from our drive today were two large waterfalls.  Since the mountains seem to rise out of the ground in complete randomness, it was easy to see both waterfalls from miles off; however, getting to go up close to each one was absolutely amazing!
We were able to walk behind the first waterfall.  Petra (Ben's sister) and I stood on the edge of the path right behind the water and the power of the spray nearly knocked us off our feet!  We were not able to go behind the second waterfall, but it was about twice as tall and twice as wide and we climbed a huge staircase to the top, providing an amazing panoramic view.  Looking to the right, you could see the mountains just near Reykjavik - a couple hours drive away - and to the left was a faint gray outline of a small island (our third stop of the day) and a natural arc out in the water cut from the rock big enough for ships to sail through.  This part of Iceland actually looked a lot like the Oregon coast except the beaches are stark black.  The contrast between the white foam of the ocean against the black sand beaches was breath-taking.  If you've ever been to a black sand beach, you know that they're usually pretty coarse - more like small rocks than actual sand.  These beaches were as soft as white sand, but as black as if someone had dyed them that way.

Apparently this small island was made millions of years ago (or maybe just many thousands) by an underwater volcano that erupted and let out enough magma to reach the surface.  Because of this, the rock formations are really unique.  The rocks come up in thick geometrical pillars in black and gray.  Not much grows here, as you can imagine, but much of the island has started growing a thin grass that really adds to the beauty of the contrasting colors.

At about this time, the rain finally came.  We've been blessed to have nothing but sun since we got here and the forecast was set for 100 percent rain.  This gave us a good excuse to head home, though, which brings us to the end of our day.  It's amazing how quickly time goes by when you're on vacation!  We've already been here nearly half of our trip.  I just can't believe it!  I'm looking forward to many more adventures ahead of us, however.  We're not slowing down for anyone!

Easter On the Moon

I'm sitting here in our Icelandic apartment blogging and eating Easter dinner.  Normally, Easter dinner is eaten with my mom's side of the family around 3 or 4 p.m. and consists of salmon (thank you, Scandinavian heritage) and a wide array of family favorites as side dishes, including my step dad's famous deviled eggs.  Today, however, it's 6:40 (but really it's noon because of the time difference) and Easter dinner consists of soft tacos made of lettuce, mozzarella cheese (no cheddar - who would've guessed?), and some sort of ground meat that we're pretty sure was beef, but the package only had Icelandic writing so I really have no clue.  Our second guess is lamb.  We're just hoping for the best on that one :)
Anyway, my husband and I aren't really the biggest Easter participants anyway so it's not a huge deal that we're in Iceland today but it's definitely the most unique Easter I've ever had.  We left for Iceland yesterday at 4:30 in the afternoon and arrived seven hours later on a new day.  Considering we got here at 6:40 a.m. and it was 11:40 p.m. to us Seattlites, it's been a challenge to stay awake all day.  In fact, I haven't stayed awake the whole time, but who can resist a half-hour cat nap while waiting at the airport? 
After grabbing breakfast at the Keflavik International Airport and waiting around for the bus, we headed to what's known as the Blue Lagoon.  It was only a half hour away, but in that short time I felt like I'd somehow traveled to another planet.  Mars or the moon, most likely.  I could tell from the airport that Iceland was flat (at least by the coast), but as we drove away, the landscape was unbelievable.  We didn't see a single tree the entire half-hour drive.  Even weirder was the jagged earth that went on endlessly in all directions.  Volcanic rock covers Iceland like a densely-sprinkled doughnut.  Or maybe like an ice cream sundae covered in peanuts.  And rather than grass, because, seriously, how could grass grow around here, the ground - err...rock - was covered with a thick, rich green moss.  It was beautiful, and it covered so much of the rocks that you could hardly tell they were there if you weren't looking directly at them.

Moss-covered volcanic rock in Iceland.

Finally, we arrived at the Blue Lagoon.  Let's just say, if I'd thought I was on another planet prior to entering the Blue Lagoon, it was confirmed the second they tore my ticket and I headed to the main attraction.  The Blue Lagoon is basically a small man-made lake, except rather than what we're used to in Seattle, the lake they've made is filled with mineral-rich sea water pumped in many miles to process at a steam energy plant which is then pumped a quarter of a mile more to rest over a geothermal vents rising from deep in the earth's crust.  Since Iceland is so full of volcanic rock, the air pockets in the rock act as veins for the heat to rise straight to the surface, basically creating a giant hot tub.  Some spots were even too hot to stand in! 
The water is also a milky-whitish-turquoise.  Swimmers can't see more than two inches into the pool and the minerals in the water make it feel like you're swimming through thinned-out body wash.  It's not uncommon to see swimmers with mud-masked faces, either.  Swimmers will cover their face with a muddy white paste made of silica (yes, I did this too) that's supposed to revitalize your skin.  I'm not sure if it revitalized anything, but we all got a laugh at how goofy we looked with the white paste dripping from our eyebrows, chins and noses!  Or maybe it was funny because we'd been up for 18 hours and our bodies desperately wanted to be asleep.  Either way, my stomach got a workout from laughing.
After a few hours of relaxing at the lagoon, we hopped back on a bus and headed to Reykjavik, Iceland's capital, to settle in to our hotel.  We're actually staying in a short-term apartment.  We have a little kitchen and a little living room where Petra will sleep (she's Ben's little sister - we kind of brought her here for her senior trip [she's in high school]).  The kitchen has a refrigerator and a stove and oven, as well as a dishwasher, dishes, pots and pans, and the whole shebang.  We were pretty excited to find such a well-equipped place to stay, considering food around here is two to three times more expensive than at home.  If we had to eat out throughout our entire stay, we'd be bankrupt!  Anyway, that brings me back to the beginning.  Here I am, sitting in our little apartment - I've finished my soft taco already - just blogging away about my first day on the moon.  Wait, did I say that?  I mean Iceland.  My first day on Iceland.  It's only 7:e0 as I finish this entry, but I've been up for 29 hours at this point, and after a long, hot shower, I'm ready to head for bed.  I'm excited to see what else this crazy place has to offer tomorrow :)  Happy Easter, everyone!

Julia: this one's for you :)

The other day at lunch, you asked me what I talk about with my friends.  I have to admit, I was stumped by the question.  I'd never thought before about what goes back and forth between my friends and I.  So, as a result, I decided to take note.
Since I was hanging out with a couple of my good friends that night, I decided to subtly track our conversation throughout dinner and then back at their place.  We went to Cheesecake Factory (is there a 'the' in front of that?) in Bellevue, then back to their apartment on Mercer Island to play games, but I guess that's not the important part.  The significant stuff is the discourse.  I have to admit, we didn't talk about anything special.  We discussed books (specifically Ender's Game and the series of books following that storyline), we talked about traveling (our friend Danny has basically traveled the world - earlier this year he discovered a shipwrecked boat off the coast of Mexico by using Google Maps and he later drove two hours with his dad just to find it and explore the place), we talked about music, and movies, and good beer.  Oh, and we talked about our pets.  Lots of talk about our pets.  I guess that's what happens when you get five animal-lovers with no kids and very little free time together in the same room.  I'm sure five years from now we'll sound less pathetic and we'll talk more about humans than their furry counterparts, but for now I'm content with cats and dogs.
On the other hand, when I get together with just my girl friends things are totally different.  Friday night was girls and guys, so the conversation stays gender neutral.  When it's all girls, things change.  We still talk about good books, music, travel...but we also talk about girl stuff.  I think girls can uplift their female friends in a way that guys don't understand. When I was in high school I had mostly guy friends. I liked that there wasn't any drama.  However, all of my leaders and mentors would talk about how important it is to have a small group of girl friends who you're closer with than anyone else. I didn't learn how true this was until I grew up. We can talk about our bodies (and our discomforts or encouragements about them), we can talk about relationships, we can talk about our jobs, we can talk about our dreams...there's just a different sense of connection.  Even with Ben it's different. Sure, he's my husband. He's my best friend. But he's my best friend in a vastly different way than my friend Tracy is, or my friend Jackie, or Stephanie, or Michelle, or Janine...okay, these are just names to you, but they're the important people in my life.  One more: Jamie. 

My best friends: Janine, Stephanie, Michelle, Jamie, Jackie, Tracy, and my husband, Ben.

Jamie's getting married this summer.  She and I have a lot of similar fears about relationships and abandonment. She and I lived together for three years during and after college. We know more about each other than anyone else except our own spouses (probably).  We've been hurt and we've supported each other, we've fought and sworn at each other, we've laughed and cried together.  Yeah, I love my girl friends.  They're the best.  Okay, this last paragraph got a little off track, but oh well :)  THE END!