I have never before experienced the feeling of complete aloneness in a room of over one hundred people until this morning. Still, that's exactly how my day started. I just got back from the women's conference at my church about an hour ago. I was supposed to be there until 2:30 (it's now only noon) but I left early. I used the excuse that I wasn't feeling well, which was true. I guess a queasy stomach, a headache, and physical weakness was a good enough cover-up for what else I was feeling. Truly, I left because I felt unbelievably alone. I'm not surprised I was one of a handful of ladies under thirty. What I didn't expect was that in a church I've attended for 15 years, the church I consider home, I would enter a room and be completely disregarded.
The conference started with a breakfast in which all of us ladies were shuffled into a room to eat fruit and pastries. After moving through the buffet line, I turned around to find a place to sit and realized I knew no one. Everyone sat in cliques and clusters joyfully chatting away, while I stood feeling like the new kid in a cafeteria. After a few minutes of awkwardly dancing in place, stepping side to side making an attempt to head in one direction or the other, I sat down next to a couple of ladies whose faces looked familiar but whose names I didn't know. Awkwardly pausing their conversation, they asked me my name and said hello, then went quickly back to their own little world. The worst part was their acute awareness of my presence with a very intentional avoidance of including me in conversation. At first I tried to listen in and be a part of it, but after a few minutes of staring at the back of one lady's head - she was very much turned away from me - I decided to become very interested in my oranges and bananas instead of the people around me.
Eventually a new lady sat down next to me and was very friendly! She asked me about myself and what I liked, and told me about her three daughters and their busy lives. She was a joy; she was a sigh of relief for that quick moment! However, she was eventually drawn into the other ladies' conversation and I went back to staring at my fruit. Maybe the ill feeling inside of me made me a little more sensitive, but by the end of breakfast I was just avoiding eye contact so people couldn't see the tears forming in my eyes.
After 45 minutes of social torture, we headed into the sanctuary where the conference started. Kathy, a good friend of my aunt's, invited me to sit with her and I was so relieved! Kathy, if you read this, thank you for that! I really needed to feel included at that point, and you are always so good at making me feel welcome and loved! I appreciate your openness always, but I especially appreciated it today!
As I sat through the morning session of the speaker's talk, I still just didn't feel settled. I was now surrounded by people I knew, so that part was better, but what I kept mulling over in my mind was how completely alone I had felt that morning, and how astonished I was at that fact! What I realized is that there is a huge disconnect between ministries within my church. I've always known there is an age gap, but attending the conference this morning illuminated the transparent screens hung between each group within our church to separate one from the other. That is NOT how church should be!
As Christians, we are called to live in community. One definition of community I found is "a region occupied by a group of interacting organisms." Well, we as organisms were occupying the same region, but where was the interaction? Another, which I like more, being "sharing, participation, and fellowship." Within the "community" of the church body, I experienced very little sharing, participation, or fellowship between community members - even those I knew. If we are to live in community together, shouldn't we be inclusive? If I've attended the same church for fifteen years and felt this isolated, what would someone feel if they took the risk of coming to an event for the first time and experiencing what I experienced? No wonder people are so critical of the church! We are a horrible representation of the sharing, participation, and fellowship that He has called us to!
My time at the conference was not pleasant by any definition, but it did make me realize that I am just as at fault for falling into my own comfort zone time and time again. I can't think of the last time I met someone new at church! I go to church to learn about my relationship with God and hear as if on repeat the message that we are supposed to open up to our community, yet how am I doing so? Yes, I help in youth group. Yet that one small sector of the church is only a part of the larger church body. How am I connected to everyone else? We may be organisms occupying the same region, but I as well as anyone need to make a stronger effort to share, participate, and fellowship more deeply in the greater scene. My experience made me realize that I would like to find a way to bridge the gap between ministries within the church and strengthen what God has really called us to as a community. Now I just have to figure out how to do this!
