Re-Teen Part 2: The Realization

In my last blog, I began by saying I've been doing a lot of self-discovery lately; however, I didn't actually get to explain any of that discovery.  In this blog I'm going to explain how it all started.  After the little (excuse me, big) argument between Ben and I, we decided this was something we needed to talk about at counseling.  That Thursday we discussed all sorts of things revolving around the idea that our lives together naturally gravitate toward Ben's desires and needs.  When we disagree on something, even little things like what spices to put on chicken, he gets his way.  It's my nature to default to the other person.  I've always thought of it as selfless and generous, but what I found out about my history with this sort of behavior is interesting.
Ed, our counselor, asked me about this pattern of compliance and we discovered that it started before I can even remember.  I've always defaulted to the other person in my relationships.  I actually think that's one of my good qualities as a teacher - that I actually care about what my students think, do, and desire.  Anyway, Ed said that this type of behavior often stems from a really rocky childhood.  Well, my parents got divorced when I was two or three, and my dad is a very angry person, so it would make sense that my early years were rocky.  I asked my mom if there was a lot of fighting in the house in the first couple years of my life, however, and she said no.  She said that my dad was always gone and she was really good about tip-toeing around in a way that would keep the peace.  Well, huh...no fighting.  So when I brought this up to Ed, his question was "Well, then who raised you?"  ...crickets...
For me personally, that's a hard question to answer.  I was passed around as a child, even in the first two years of my life.  My dad was always gone and my mom worked nearly sixty hours a week, so really she was always gone too.  My Aunt Ginna and my grandma took care of me the most, but I never had any solid ground.  Ah, so there it is...Ed said that one of the most important things in a person's first two years of life is the idea of "mirroring."  If you're my student and you're reading this, this might very well be something you learned in health class this semester.  Anyway, the idea of mirroring is that a baby learns his or her existence through the validation of those he or she bonds with.  A baby smiles, the mom smiles back, etc.  But this can't just happen from any person - this has to happen to a person you create a serious bond with, and if you're passed around from house to house all of your life you never have the chance to create that bond.  Because of how I was raised in the first two years of my life (and my whole life...this really didn't stop ever), I had two paths I could have commonly taken: defiance or compliance.  I am the compliant one.
What this means is that I never developed a sense of self.  My individuality was never validated through that necessary bond.  To add onto all this, my mom was a very lonely person.  She and I never fought (compliance) and we were always really close.  But the problem is that she depended on me.  Not that parents shouldn't depend on their children, but she depended on me to "complete" her, in a sense.  Without realizing it, her loneliness was my responsibility.
I remember one time in particular where this was the case.  It was the 4th of July the summer after seventh grade.  I went to a friend's house for the evening and had a wonderful time.  It was the first time I'd spent a holiday away from my mom, however.  When she picked me up, I could feel the tension in the air.  When we got home I walked to the front door and instead of following me she started the car and took off.  She left me on the porch by myself with no clue as to what I'd done wrong.  She came back about five minutes later (good thing, 'cause it was cold and dark) and explained how she'd felt so hurt that I hadn't spent the 4th of July with her.  She hadn't asked me to spend it with her, nor had she said anything about wanting me to when I mentioned going to my friend's place.  Instead I felt the repercussions of something I hadn't any fault in.  I didn't know that then, though.  Instead I felt guilty - a pattern that continues even to this day when I try to put something I want over someone else's desires.
This is the new skill I'm learning.  This is where the soul-searching comes in.  Because I've never put myself above other people, I have no idea what my desires are.  I don't know what I want in life.  I know little things, like what to do when I'm alone (that's another piece to the puzzle), but when it comes to other people and the bigger picture, I'm completely lost.
*sigh*  So, all that to explain this compliance that led to the blow-up between Ben and I and all of the soul-searching I've done lately.  For our entire marriage I've been succumbing to his desires without him knowing we even had different opinions.  The truth is that much of this wasn't his fault, however, there is still the issue of being inconsiderate...that'll have to be part 3.  Or part 4...the alone thing needs to come in here somewhere, too.

Re-Teen Part 1: Frustration

It's often said that the teen years are those of discovering who you are.  As a high school teacher, I can attest that that's very much true.  I love watching my students discover themselves, mull things over in their brains, struggle with life until the get it right...self-realization is a gratifying process to observe.  However, self-realization is also very emotional.  That's something quite observable in teenagers as well. 
This all comes up because lately I've...well...I've felt like a teenager.  It's true that teachers often act like the age they teach, but that's not exactly what I mean.  What I mean is that over the past month or so I've gone through more of that self-discovery than I remember ever doing, even when I really was a teenager.  You see, it all started at the very beginning of second semester when I had the week from hell of grading papers, planning new units, and trying to get all of my report card grades in before the due date.  I was more stressed out and frazzled that week than any other this school year so far - and hopefully more so than any other week for the rest of the school year as well!  My grades were due on a Thursday at 3 p.m. but I didn't finish them until after 5 p.m.  I know this doesn't sound that bad, but when it means nearly $200 off your paycheck, it's a big enough issue to feel some pain.  Just before I finished my grades, Ben called to see if I wanted to tag along with him and my cousin to a movie as a "celebration" for finishing everything.  First of all, it wasn't a celebration.  Kevin (my cousin) asked Ben if he wanted to go and Ben didn't want to be rude and not ask me, so he made up an excuse to make it sound all fluffy and positive.
Well, in my state of bewilderment and extreme exhaustion, I said I didn't want to go, but that he could go without me.  About five minutes later I came to my senses and realized A) I hadn't seen my husband all week because I'd been working so much, and B) that I had been alone and stressed for so many hours that afternoon that I really wasn't okay with him going without me.  Just this once I wanted him to stay home.  So, I called him back and told him my thoughts.  I asked him if he wouldn't mind staying home because of all that I'd had to deal with that week.  His response was, "No, I can't.  It's too late.  I told Kevin I'd go and now I'm going."  ...seriously?!?!  Okay, so I get not going back on your word, but I also get that as husband and wife we're supposed to be each other's priority and I'd had one of the worst weeks of my life with no help from my husband!  On that note, I need to back up even further.
At the beginning of the week I said to Ben, "I'm really going to need your help this week.  I'm just not going to have time to do everything I normally do around here and I could really use some support, like cooking dinners and stuff."  He seemed to understand during our conversation, yet he did absolutely nothing during the week to help me or support me in any way.  Our house was a mess, I hadn't had dinner in three days, and my resentment grew more and more.  With the pressure building up inside my volcano of irritation, the whole movie thing was absolutely the last straw.
When I got home we had a sharp talk about that ended in me saying he was selfish and this was just a magnified week of how I feel all the time.  At that, he left for the movie and I left for the gym.  Resolved.  Okay, not at all.  When we were both home later, we decided this was a conversation for our counselor (yes, we go to a counselor and we LOVE it!  We suggest it to every new married couple) and shelved the issue minus a few apologies until the next week.
So, that's where I'm going to end for now.  I know it's totally inconclusive and doesn't even get into the whole "re-teen" issue, but the background was necessary...and it was nice to vent :).

LA Fitness

This past January, LA Fitness opened in Fairwood.  I was so excited for it to open because it was my first shot and becoming healthy again in a long time!  When I was in high school I never even had to try to look in shape.  I guess I've got good genes, but everyone in my family had pretty amazing bodies when we were young.  My girl cousins were all tiny (actually, they still are) and my boy cousins had huge muscles and v-shaped torsos without lifting a single weight.  I was clueless as to what made a good workout or how people lost weight - I never needed it before recently.
The last ten years have been a series of ups and downs based on my lifestyle and stress level, but I still never did anything about my weight or fitness because it always ended up in about the same spot.  Up until a couple months into my teaching career I was never concerned about my weight...I always figured I'd lose what I put on and that it was just a phase.  However, I expected this last "phase" to end at the end of last school year.  If any of you decide to become teachers, understand that your first year of teaching is hell.  I have never done anything so time consuming, stressful, and tiring.  Sometimes I don't understand how I got through it!  All of the stress added up to a few extra pounds and I expected them to fall off during the summer when the stress went away.  Here we are, half way through my second year of teaching, and they're still here.  When I learned they weren't going away as easily as they had in the past, I realized quickly that I needed to do something about it, so I joined the gym.
So...that brings us up to date...I've been working out for two months now and I haven't lost a pound.  It's been the most frustrating process.  I did, however, just go in for my fitness assessment and was very enlightened on the whole weight loss process.  I've been going about it all wrong!  I've been pushing the cardio workouts because my understanding was that cardio increased your metabolism.  I was very wrong.  What I should have been doing this whole time was strength training.  What???  You mean I have to go use those machines???  Holy crap...but I have no clue how.
Yes, that's how I feel right now.  It's not that I'm not willing to use them, but I have to say my pride's trying to resist situations that will make me look like a complete fool and that's how I feel on those machines.  I just don't know what I'm doing.  Yeah, I guess I could get a personal trainer for a while and go from there, but that's just more money, and this whole fitness thing is expensive as it is!
I've been doing my research, though, and I've found a lot of websites that explain how to work out effectively.  First of all, you're supposed to push yourself.  You should only be doing 8-12 reps per set (I'm not sure if I'm using the vocab right) and you should be lifting an amount that makes you lose your form by the eighth repetition.  Apparently this is more effective than doing more repetitions at a lower weight. I've been working out this way the past two times I've gone to the gym and I can already feel a difference.  I'm not saying I've lost weight already, but I can feel a difference in my muscles - mostly angry muscles that are sore from me pushing them further than they're used to, but they're just whiny babies right now.  They'll get used to it :). 
Anyway, this is probably not an interesting post for most of you, but one last bit before I close up: I see a lot of my students at LA Fitness.  Yes, it's a bit weird, but I'm getting used to it.  If I ever see you there and I'm on the machines, feel free to show me how to use them or to give your own input.  I'm new at this and need all the help I can get!