What Am I? (Stream of Thought)

I think what people don't understand about teachers is that we are so much more than just teachers.  What is a teacher, anyway?  Are we simply those who educate?  Are we those who develop intellect?  Well, yes, hopefully, but we're also counselors, mentors, examples at all times, parents, mediators, actors and actresses, guardians, and peace keepers.  We are managers and planners and organizers and creative thinkers.  We run entire communities. 
My job is more than a lesson plan and a grade.  My job is six hours of "always-on-my-game" plus another four of everything else.  When other people are starting their first break, I'm also starting mine except that my first break is my 20-minute lunch out of my 10-hour day.  When my kids have great days, I have to have a great day.  When my kids have horrible days, I have to have a great attitude anyway.  When my kids experience tragedy, I am their constancy.  I get them to think, do, listen, and feel.  I get them to care.  I get them to imagine.  I love them completely through nurturing and discipline.  I exemplify grace.  When I work through my exhaustion, I teach them what that looks like by staying positive, energetic, and honest.  I don't hide myself.  I live their lives with them.  I treat them like adults.  I respect them.  I don't look down on them or what I do - I truly went into teaching because I love what I do.
I had a student say today say "there are very few teachers who say that who aren't full of BS."  When I responded that I hoped he felt I am one of the few, he knew very clearly that I am.  Yes, there are teachers who are completely worn out and those who have given up on the school system more so than even those complaining parents.  That's because we are not respected.  What we do is not understood by anyone outside of the others who do it along side us.  And then I come to the end of my week and while everyone else around me is tired, I am completely drained.  I have given my all to what I love and I have nothing left for myself.  I know this isn't good.  I know I need to be better and more balanced.  If only who I am personally and professionally made sense to the world around me, maybe then I'd have it all together.

Empathetic Pets

I had a cat when I was growing up and her name was Tabitha.  I named her that so I could call her Tabby for short - obviously, she was a tabby cat or I'd have no reason to be so clever.  She lived outside, so I didn't spend much time with her except in summers, but she was the most empathetic cat I've ever known.  If I was angry, she knew it and she'd react.  If I was happy, she was playful.  And if I was sad, she'd crawl right in my lap and cuddle.  She just knew when I needed her.
Now we have two cats - Max and Mika - and neither of them have a drop of empathy in their blood.  I love them dearly, don't get me wrong, but cuddling happens on their time only.  In fact, often when I need them most are the times when I feel they're most distant.  Dumb cats.  Learn some manners!
All this to say I want an empathetic cat.  I want a cat who feels my feelings with me.  I want a cat to cuddle with when I need it and to be my friend.  Sounds pathetic, eh?  Like I'm some old lonely cat lady, hoarding dozens of felines in every room.  I can just see them now: cats coming out of the cupboards, living on the shelves, taking over the bed...what a sight!

The Labyrinth

Lately at counseling we've been talking about where I've run off to.  No, I don't mean literally.  I mean where the person I used to be went.  Some parts of that person I have willingly thrown over a cliff hoping that she will die (let's call her Shame). However, along with Shame was a confident, powerful, sexy young woman who I'm afraid clung herself to the beast I flung away and has completely disappeared.  Shame was so much stronger than Confidence that it locked her beyond my reach.  So...we've been working on finding her.  We've sent out a search party to rescue the essence of who God made me to be so I can be more than this shell, this mask, this hollow facade of what once was.
The loss of this girl has affected my friendships and my marriage.  I'm reserved and withdrawn, which makes me feel lonely and unknown.  And it's all my fault, I guess.  But I don't want to be like this!  I want to be bubbly and open and daring and exciting.  I want to be sexy and bold and desirable!  And today, I found a little piece of that girl simply by twirling my hair. 
Apparently when we access parts of our brain that take us to buried memories, our entire bodies revert to behavior associated with those memories. At one point during tonight's discussion, Ed asked "Did the girl you used to be play with her hair a lot?"  Well that was a weird question.  Without answering, I asked, "Why?" 
Before I exposed too much, I wanted to hear his motives.  I suddenly realized I had been twirling my hair that very moment...so what was the catch?  Then I remembered that when I'd go dancing (by far when I felt the most attractive and desirable) I'd twist my hair and pull it off of my neck.  As we'd been talking about this girl I want to be, the first clue at where that girl is came peeking out.  YES!!! She's still in there!  There is hope for saving this lost girl!

If you've ever seen that glorious 80's classic The Labyrinth, then you probably remember the scene where Sarah is in the maze and decides to mark her path with lipstick so she remembers her way back to where she started.  You probably also remember David Bowie in spandex, but that's a whole different discussion!  On every tile Sarah marks, little men speaking gibberish pop out of the ground and turn the square to face the wrong direction just as Sarah moves out of sight.  Finding the girl I want to be inside the hidden parts of my mind is like Sarah finding her way through the maze without her lipstick trail.  The trip is exhausting, trying, confusing and emotional.  Shame continually throws distractions and diversions in front of me, yet hopefully at the end of the journey I can say to my Shame, "You have no power over me!" and Confidence will be free.