Well, summer is just around the corner (though our weather wouldn't agree) and it is the first summer since my junior year in high school that I'm not working! I know most people don't get to enjoy the luxury of having summers off, but I promise you that teachers need it. It is a very real necessity for us educators. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about how I'll fill my free time. It makes me a bit anxious to think I might be home doing nothing for two months!!! Okay, one month...July's already booked, but August is completely open. Because of this, I've decided to create a "bucket list" of sorts, but instead of finishing my list before I die I want to finish my list before school starts again next fall. Feel free to hold me accountable to this list! I get easily sidetracked by absolutely nothing, and I welcome you to get on my case for staying active. Okay, so here's the list:
1) Host a dinner party
2) Go hiking weekly
3) Go camping at least once
4) Go to Wild Waves
4) Spend a day at Pike Place Market
5) Travel to a new state (this is kind of cheating...I already know I'm doing this)
6) Go to an outdoor concert
7) Create something - probably artwork of some kind
8) Go Kayaking
9) Work in my mama's yard
10) Spend more time with family
I figure 10 items allows for one item every 3 days or so, which is probably reasonable. It is only a month, after all! Anyway, summer starts this coming weekend...here we go!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Living in "community"
I have never before experienced the feeling of complete aloneness in a room of over one hundred people until this morning. Still, that's exactly how my day started. I just got back from the women's conference at my church about an hour ago. I was supposed to be there until 2:30 (it's now only noon) but I left early. I used the excuse that I wasn't feeling well, which was true. I guess a queasy stomach, a headache, and physical weakness was a good enough cover-up for what else I was feeling. Truly, I left because I felt unbelievably alone. I'm not surprised I was one of a handful of ladies under thirty. What I didn't expect was that in a church I've attended for 15 years, the church I consider home, I would enter a room and be completely disregarded.
The conference started with a breakfast in which all of us ladies were shuffled into a room to eat fruit and pastries. After moving through the buffet line, I turned around to find a place to sit and realized I knew no one. Everyone sat in cliques and clusters joyfully chatting away, while I stood feeling like the new kid in a cafeteria. After a few minutes of awkwardly dancing in place, stepping side to side making an attempt to head in one direction or the other, I sat down next to a couple of ladies whose faces looked familiar but whose names I didn't know. Awkwardly pausing their conversation, they asked me my name and said hello, then went quickly back to their own little world. The worst part was their acute awareness of my presence with a very intentional avoidance of including me in conversation. At first I tried to listen in and be a part of it, but after a few minutes of staring at the back of one lady's head - she was very much turned away from me - I decided to become very interested in my oranges and bananas instead of the people around me.
Eventually a new lady sat down next to me and was very friendly! She asked me about myself and what I liked, and told me about her three daughters and their busy lives. She was a joy; she was a sigh of relief for that quick moment! However, she was eventually drawn into the other ladies' conversation and I went back to staring at my fruit. Maybe the ill feeling inside of me made me a little more sensitive, but by the end of breakfast I was just avoiding eye contact so people couldn't see the tears forming in my eyes.
After 45 minutes of social torture, we headed into the sanctuary where the conference started. Kathy, a good friend of my aunt's, invited me to sit with her and I was so relieved! Kathy, if you read this, thank you for that! I really needed to feel included at that point, and you are always so good at making me feel welcome and loved! I appreciate your openness always, but I especially appreciated it today!
As I sat through the morning session of the speaker's talk, I still just didn't feel settled. I was now surrounded by people I knew, so that part was better, but what I kept mulling over in my mind was how completely alone I had felt that morning, and how astonished I was at that fact! What I realized is that there is a huge disconnect between ministries within my church. I've always known there is an age gap, but attending the conference this morning illuminated the transparent screens hung between each group within our church to separate one from the other. That is NOT how church should be!
As Christians, we are called to live in community. One definition of community I found is "a region occupied by a group of interacting organisms." Well, we as organisms were occupying the same region, but where was the interaction? Another, which I like more, being "sharing, participation, and fellowship." Within the "community" of the church body, I experienced very little sharing, participation, or fellowship between community members - even those I knew. If we are to live in community together, shouldn't we be inclusive? If I've attended the same church for fifteen years and felt this isolated, what would someone feel if they took the risk of coming to an event for the first time and experiencing what I experienced? No wonder people are so critical of the church! We are a horrible representation of the sharing, participation, and fellowship that He has called us to!
My time at the conference was not pleasant by any definition, but it did make me realize that I am just as at fault for falling into my own comfort zone time and time again. I can't think of the last time I met someone new at church! I go to church to learn about my relationship with God and hear as if on repeat the message that we are supposed to open up to our community, yet how am I doing so? Yes, I help in youth group. Yet that one small sector of the church is only a part of the larger church body. How am I connected to everyone else? We may be organisms occupying the same region, but I as well as anyone need to make a stronger effort to share, participate, and fellowship more deeply in the greater scene. My experience made me realize that I would like to find a way to bridge the gap between ministries within the church and strengthen what God has really called us to as a community. Now I just have to figure out how to do this!
The conference started with a breakfast in which all of us ladies were shuffled into a room to eat fruit and pastries. After moving through the buffet line, I turned around to find a place to sit and realized I knew no one. Everyone sat in cliques and clusters joyfully chatting away, while I stood feeling like the new kid in a cafeteria. After a few minutes of awkwardly dancing in place, stepping side to side making an attempt to head in one direction or the other, I sat down next to a couple of ladies whose faces looked familiar but whose names I didn't know. Awkwardly pausing their conversation, they asked me my name and said hello, then went quickly back to their own little world. The worst part was their acute awareness of my presence with a very intentional avoidance of including me in conversation. At first I tried to listen in and be a part of it, but after a few minutes of staring at the back of one lady's head - she was very much turned away from me - I decided to become very interested in my oranges and bananas instead of the people around me.
Eventually a new lady sat down next to me and was very friendly! She asked me about myself and what I liked, and told me about her three daughters and their busy lives. She was a joy; she was a sigh of relief for that quick moment! However, she was eventually drawn into the other ladies' conversation and I went back to staring at my fruit. Maybe the ill feeling inside of me made me a little more sensitive, but by the end of breakfast I was just avoiding eye contact so people couldn't see the tears forming in my eyes.
After 45 minutes of social torture, we headed into the sanctuary where the conference started. Kathy, a good friend of my aunt's, invited me to sit with her and I was so relieved! Kathy, if you read this, thank you for that! I really needed to feel included at that point, and you are always so good at making me feel welcome and loved! I appreciate your openness always, but I especially appreciated it today!
As I sat through the morning session of the speaker's talk, I still just didn't feel settled. I was now surrounded by people I knew, so that part was better, but what I kept mulling over in my mind was how completely alone I had felt that morning, and how astonished I was at that fact! What I realized is that there is a huge disconnect between ministries within my church. I've always known there is an age gap, but attending the conference this morning illuminated the transparent screens hung between each group within our church to separate one from the other. That is NOT how church should be!
As Christians, we are called to live in community. One definition of community I found is "a region occupied by a group of interacting organisms." Well, we as organisms were occupying the same region, but where was the interaction? Another, which I like more, being "sharing, participation, and fellowship." Within the "community" of the church body, I experienced very little sharing, participation, or fellowship between community members - even those I knew. If we are to live in community together, shouldn't we be inclusive? If I've attended the same church for fifteen years and felt this isolated, what would someone feel if they took the risk of coming to an event for the first time and experiencing what I experienced? No wonder people are so critical of the church! We are a horrible representation of the sharing, participation, and fellowship that He has called us to!
My time at the conference was not pleasant by any definition, but it did make me realize that I am just as at fault for falling into my own comfort zone time and time again. I can't think of the last time I met someone new at church! I go to church to learn about my relationship with God and hear as if on repeat the message that we are supposed to open up to our community, yet how am I doing so? Yes, I help in youth group. Yet that one small sector of the church is only a part of the larger church body. How am I connected to everyone else? We may be organisms occupying the same region, but I as well as anyone need to make a stronger effort to share, participate, and fellowship more deeply in the greater scene. My experience made me realize that I would like to find a way to bridge the gap between ministries within the church and strengthen what God has really called us to as a community. Now I just have to figure out how to do this!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
So be it!
Give unto us, O Lord, the quietness of mind
in which we can hear you speaking to us,
for your own name's sake.
Lord, you have taught us in your word
that there is a time to speak
and a time to keep silent.
As we thank you for the power of speech,
we pray for the grace of silence.
Make us as ready to listen as we are to talk,
ready to listen to your voice in the quietness of our hearts
and ready to listen to other people
who need a sympathetic ear.
Show us when to open our mouths and when to hold our peace
that we may glorify You both in speech and in silence
through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.
in which we can hear you speaking to us,
for your own name's sake.
Lord, you have taught us in your word
that there is a time to speak
and a time to keep silent.
As we thank you for the power of speech,
we pray for the grace of silence.
Make us as ready to listen as we are to talk,ready to listen to your voice in the quietness of our hearts
and ready to listen to other people
who need a sympathetic ear.
Show us when to open our mouths and when to hold our peace
that we may glorify You both in speech and in silence
through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The Sub Way
When people ask me what I do for work, I say that I'm a teacher. I don't mention right away that I'm a substitute because, honestly, it's kind of embarrassing. Instead, I wade my way through the conversation, hoping that our discourse won't turn to specifics and that I'll get away without saying that I don't have my own class. Maybe being a substitute doesn't seem like it's a big deal, but I didn't CHOOSE to be a substitute. As a young teacher fresh out of grad school, I feel like the fact that I don't have my own classroom is a reflection of failure. I'm not good enough. No one wants me. I'm not worth the effort. Instead, I walk into a new building every day and I sign in in the mornings - because I'm a "stranger" - and I sign out at the end of the day and that's the length of any one school's commitment.
When you get into a routine and you start returning to the same schools it gets a little better. The office ladies know your name and say hello to you rather than just hand you your folder and walk away, and teachers recognize you. Some of the kids even comment that they've had you before as you walk past in the hall or after school. However, there's still no community. Eating in the staff room is a disaster. No one invites you to sit with them; it's like being the new kid in an elementary school. Hense the reason I stay in the classroom for lunch.
The students can be really terrible, too. Elementary school children think you know everything and high schoolers think you know nothing. And maybe that's the case, one way or another, but neither scenario is a good thing. They both add stress, and classroom management is infinitely more difficult when you can't call out a kid's name who's talking out of turn or being distracting. Some classes are dreams, and some are nightmares. I will never return to certain schools, and other schools I'd love to work at permanently. You never know how things will end up.
Lately I've been substituting at Kentridge on a long-term position. I am in the same classroom for six and a half weeks with the same kids, making my own lesson plans, putting in my own grades, and even making my own seating charts. Now THIS is how it's supposed to be!
However, it's also been one of the most challenging jobs I've ever had. Not because my kids are little hellians (well, some of them are), but because I could tell within a few days that the teacher I'm taking over for teaches nothing like I teach. She didn't have a seating chart, didn't give out homework, and basically accepted late work any time after the assignment was due without any penalty (according to her students, anyway). It's not that her system is wrong, but it's not one that I can easily adjust to. Working here long term has helped me formulate my own system of discipline, organize my classroom in a manner that makes sense to me, and has allowed me to teach two new units to two new demographics of students. It is wonderful!
I am able to feel the success of teaching and help my students learn. It is so rewarding when they really get it! I am able to succeed for myself and have confidence in the fact that I don't have a job is because of the budget cuts and a lack of money rather than that they just don't want me. I'm able to put my teaching into practice and gain skills and knowledge that will help me when I do have my own classroom. And I'm also able to gain contacts and connections through this long-term job that may lead to a job next year (pray! pray! pray!). Oh, please, God, let me get a job next year!
In two weeks I'll go back to teaching day-to-day in different schools, but I will be able to go into those situations knowing more about classroom management and control, as well as various teaching strategies to apply to a wide range of activities and assignments. Substituting is hard and exhausting - if people ever envy teachers for having the summers off, all they have to do is experience the other nine or ten months to understand why it's necessary! Though this year has been one of the biggest challenges of my life in many different ways, I am so happy to have the skills I have learned and continue to learn. I really am a good teacher, and I have a lot to offer my students and peers!
When you get into a routine and you start returning to the same schools it gets a little better. The office ladies know your name and say hello to you rather than just hand you your folder and walk away, and teachers recognize you. Some of the kids even comment that they've had you before as you walk past in the hall or after school. However, there's still no community. Eating in the staff room is a disaster. No one invites you to sit with them; it's like being the new kid in an elementary school. Hense the reason I stay in the classroom for lunch.
The students can be really terrible, too. Elementary school children think you know everything and high schoolers think you know nothing. And maybe that's the case, one way or another, but neither scenario is a good thing. They both add stress, and classroom management is infinitely more difficult when you can't call out a kid's name who's talking out of turn or being distracting. Some classes are dreams, and some are nightmares. I will never return to certain schools, and other schools I'd love to work at permanently. You never know how things will end up.
Lately I've been substituting at Kentridge on a long-term position. I am in the same classroom for six and a half weeks with the same kids, making my own lesson plans, putting in my own grades, and even making my own seating charts. Now THIS is how it's supposed to be!
However, it's also been one of the most challenging jobs I've ever had. Not because my kids are little hellians (well, some of them are), but because I could tell within a few days that the teacher I'm taking over for teaches nothing like I teach. She didn't have a seating chart, didn't give out homework, and basically accepted late work any time after the assignment was due without any penalty (according to her students, anyway). It's not that her system is wrong, but it's not one that I can easily adjust to. Working here long term has helped me formulate my own system of discipline, organize my classroom in a manner that makes sense to me, and has allowed me to teach two new units to two new demographics of students. It is wonderful!
I am able to feel the success of teaching and help my students learn. It is so rewarding when they really get it! I am able to succeed for myself and have confidence in the fact that I don't have a job is because of the budget cuts and a lack of money rather than that they just don't want me. I'm able to put my teaching into practice and gain skills and knowledge that will help me when I do have my own classroom. And I'm also able to gain contacts and connections through this long-term job that may lead to a job next year (pray! pray! pray!). Oh, please, God, let me get a job next year!
In two weeks I'll go back to teaching day-to-day in different schools, but I will be able to go into those situations knowing more about classroom management and control, as well as various teaching strategies to apply to a wide range of activities and assignments. Substituting is hard and exhausting - if people ever envy teachers for having the summers off, all they have to do is experience the other nine or ten months to understand why it's necessary! Though this year has been one of the biggest challenges of my life in many different ways, I am so happy to have the skills I have learned and continue to learn. I really am a good teacher, and I have a lot to offer my students and peers!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Shielded
It was hard to be swept into a work week like an undercurrent stealing your footing after Ben and I had two weeks off for winter break. By the time work was over on Monday, we wanted anything but more stress. I had planned a simple meal on a relaxing evening with nothing to do but put our feet up after a long day. However, as easy as French dip is to make, simple and relaxing is by no means how our night turned out!
After swinging by the grocery store, I finally walked through the door of our comfy little apartment at about 6:30 and got straight to work on our dinner. Hoagie rolls, roast beef, butter, and au juis sauce...four simple ingredients, right? Not this night! I turned the oven to broil and got to working on spreading the butter on the hoagies. However, my butter was so hard that it pulled at the bread with every swipe of my knife and tore holes in each piece. Frustration number one.
Once the rolls were finally ready for broiling, I realized that I had forgotten to move the rack in the oven to the top shelf. When you broil, the rack is supposed to be at the highest level or else it doesn't work right - it'll just bake it instead. So, as I realized frustration number two, I set the rolls down in their pan on top of the stove and pulled the rack out to move it. The oven walls must have expanded from the heat, however, because I couldn't get the rack back in once I had pulled it out.
In the midst of whining about the rack, Ben and I noticed a burning smell coming from the stove top. At the same time I buttered the bread, I had put the au juis sauce in a pan on the burner. The instructions said to simmer the sauce for ten minutes. Okay, no problem. Turn it on and let it go. But, continuing in the pattern of the evening, of COURSE that's not how it went. Five minutes into the ten-minute boiling period. there was no juice left. Instead, we had a hot pan with a layer of crispy spices stuck to the bottom. Tastey, huh?
At this, I lost it. I couldn't deal with dinner any more. How could such a simple meal become such a disaster? I quickly reverted back to age five and threw a fit in the middle of the kitchen, Ben kindly asked if he could take over and suggested that I go do something else. Yes, please, I'll leave the kitchen! Gladly! What a nightmare evening! So, I shuffled off into the bedroom to take a few minutes to rest.
Shortly after my tantrum and it sounded like everything had calmed down in the kitchen, Ben snuck in and laid down on the bed next to me. We were laying in silence, listening to one another breathe, when I asked if he had put the bread in the oven (I was worried it was broiling and was going to burn). "Well, the pan exploded," he said.
"What?!? What do you mean the pan exploded?" I asked in response.
The pyrex that we had ever so carelessly set on the top of the stove had been set on a hot burner. When I left the kitchen, Ben went to work on shoving the rack back into the oven. Suddenly the pyrex pan exploded no more than two feet from his face.
It's moments like these that God is so obviously present! By His grace alone, the glass flew in every direction except exactly where Ben was standing. We had glass in our living room, our bathroom, our dining room, in every crevace of our kitchen, in a bag of chocolates, in our kitchenaide mixer, in our oven...everywhere except for the place he was standing. There was even glass between where Ben's feet had been, and directly behind him in the sink.
We went out to assess the damage, and it was seriously amazing! The glass was so hot that it burned our kitchen floors, our counters, and our carpet in the dining room. I'm sure we'll be paying for that when the time comes to move out! It took us an hour and half to clean everything up that night, and we still had work to do. Even now I still find tiny pieces of glass in random places. We didn't get to rest that night until 8:30 - two hours after we got home. We eventually did get to sit down and watch a show and eat our French dip (we went for round two, which was a success), but I think we were both so focused on God's amazing gift of protection that evening that nothing else really mattered at that point!
Even when we are surrounded by frustrations and annoyances and are completely exhausted like we were that night, God is ultimately in charge of the results, which can only be good. "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose," (Romans 8:28). He works in ALL things, and we are blessed by his works!
After swinging by the grocery store, I finally walked through the door of our comfy little apartment at about 6:30 and got straight to work on our dinner. Hoagie rolls, roast beef, butter, and au juis sauce...four simple ingredients, right? Not this night! I turned the oven to broil and got to working on spreading the butter on the hoagies. However, my butter was so hard that it pulled at the bread with every swipe of my knife and tore holes in each piece. Frustration number one.
Once the rolls were finally ready for broiling, I realized that I had forgotten to move the rack in the oven to the top shelf. When you broil, the rack is supposed to be at the highest level or else it doesn't work right - it'll just bake it instead. So, as I realized frustration number two, I set the rolls down in their pan on top of the stove and pulled the rack out to move it. The oven walls must have expanded from the heat, however, because I couldn't get the rack back in once I had pulled it out.
In the midst of whining about the rack, Ben and I noticed a burning smell coming from the stove top. At the same time I buttered the bread, I had put the au juis sauce in a pan on the burner. The instructions said to simmer the sauce for ten minutes. Okay, no problem. Turn it on and let it go. But, continuing in the pattern of the evening, of COURSE that's not how it went. Five minutes into the ten-minute boiling period. there was no juice left. Instead, we had a hot pan with a layer of crispy spices stuck to the bottom. Tastey, huh?
At this, I lost it. I couldn't deal with dinner any more. How could such a simple meal become such a disaster? I quickly reverted back to age five and threw a fit in the middle of the kitchen, Ben kindly asked if he could take over and suggested that I go do something else. Yes, please, I'll leave the kitchen! Gladly! What a nightmare evening! So, I shuffled off into the bedroom to take a few minutes to rest.
Shortly after my tantrum and it sounded like everything had calmed down in the kitchen, Ben snuck in and laid down on the bed next to me. We were laying in silence, listening to one another breathe, when I asked if he had put the bread in the oven (I was worried it was broiling and was going to burn). "Well, the pan exploded," he said.
"What?!? What do you mean the pan exploded?" I asked in response.
It's moments like these that God is so obviously present! By His grace alone, the glass flew in every direction except exactly where Ben was standing. We had glass in our living room, our bathroom, our dining room, in every crevace of our kitchen, in a bag of chocolates, in our kitchenaide mixer, in our oven...everywhere except for the place he was standing. There was even glass between where Ben's feet had been, and directly behind him in the sink.
We went out to assess the damage, and it was seriously amazing! The glass was so hot that it burned our kitchen floors, our counters, and our carpet in the dining room. I'm sure we'll be paying for that when the time comes to move out! It took us an hour and half to clean everything up that night, and we still had work to do. Even now I still find tiny pieces of glass in random places. We didn't get to rest that night until 8:30 - two hours after we got home. We eventually did get to sit down and watch a show and eat our French dip (we went for round two, which was a success), but I think we were both so focused on God's amazing gift of protection that evening that nothing else really mattered at that point!
Even when we are surrounded by frustrations and annoyances and are completely exhausted like we were that night, God is ultimately in charge of the results, which can only be good. "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose," (Romans 8:28). He works in ALL things, and we are blessed by his works!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Fear(less)
Fear is a subtle anesthetic. Often times we don't even realize how much power we've lost to it until we're almost completely numb. I'm not talking about a fear of spiders or not knowing how to swim; I mean those deep fears of whether or not we'll be left alone, whether things will ever get better, or whether we're good enough. I have come to realize through my own experience and conversations with other women that most of us ladies experience fear emotionally and socially, and our emotions tend to run over into the other facets of our lives. Even the most logical of us can be fettered by fear! It's destructive and hurtful to ourselves, to those around us, and to our relationship with God. Why can't we just brush the fear off our shoulders and get rid of that extra weight? It's just never that easy, is it?
I've had a hard time writing even what I have down so far because fear is a big problem for me, but I think that the topic of fear is so important! Ladies, do not let your fears consume you! I have a habit of dwelling on negative things that happen to me, especially in my relationship with Ben. When I spend ninety percent of my time focused on what has happened, what might've happened, and what could happen in the future, I leave very little time for God. And I show God that I have no trust in him. 1 Peter 4:12 says "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trail when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." Each time my fears take over I forget how many times in the past that God has brought me through things. Especially as Christians, Satan will do everything in his power to withdraw our attention from glorifying God. The stronger we are as Christians, the stronger Satan's attacks come. We are also told again and again how God will protect us, how he cares for us, how he saves us...The fact is that when our mind is filled with our fears, there is no room to remember his promises to us. We block him out and replace him with falsities and untruths. We have to remember to "Consider it pure joy, my [sisters] when you are faced with trials of many kinds for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" (James 1:2). That doesn't mean it's easy, but our Joy comes from the contentment and satisfaction that God is in control and has providential power over everything. Remember to set your mind on "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy..." (Phil. 4:8).
Something I need to do more frequently and I suggest others do as well is to consume your mind with Biblical scripture to fight these fears. If our mind is already full, nothing else can fill it. To start each day full of truth and goodness makes a lot more sense than allowing fears and failures to creep in instead. We need to become fearless, not fear-full.
I've had a hard time writing even what I have down so far because fear is a big problem for me, but I think that the topic of fear is so important! Ladies, do not let your fears consume you! I have a habit of dwelling on negative things that happen to me, especially in my relationship with Ben. When I spend ninety percent of my time focused on what has happened, what might've happened, and what could happen in the future, I leave very little time for God. And I show God that I have no trust in him. 1 Peter 4:12 says "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trail when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." Each time my fears take over I forget how many times in the past that God has brought me through things. Especially as Christians, Satan will do everything in his power to withdraw our attention from glorifying God. The stronger we are as Christians, the stronger Satan's attacks come. We are also told again and again how God will protect us, how he cares for us, how he saves us...The fact is that when our mind is filled with our fears, there is no room to remember his promises to us. We block him out and replace him with falsities and untruths. We have to remember to "Consider it pure joy, my [sisters] when you are faced with trials of many kinds for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" (James 1:2). That doesn't mean it's easy, but our Joy comes from the contentment and satisfaction that God is in control and has providential power over everything. Remember to set your mind on "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy..." (Phil. 4:8).
Something I need to do more frequently and I suggest others do as well is to consume your mind with Biblical scripture to fight these fears. If our mind is already full, nothing else can fill it. To start each day full of truth and goodness makes a lot more sense than allowing fears and failures to creep in instead. We need to become fearless, not fear-full.
Friday, January 8, 2010
The darkness of night
Last night was similar. We were both startled awake in the early morning by bad dreams. Neither of our dreams had to do with one another directly, but they definitely affected how we felt when we woke up. My dream dealt with my past sins, as they sometimes do. In my dream, I was at my grandma's house. My grandma passed away nearly six and a half years ago, yet I still miss her with stronger gusts of emotion than I do anyone else. The thought of her home brings to me a deep sadness and longing for the past. In my dream, I did something which added to these feelings a boiling up of the deep guilt I have felt for my past sins, as if I had just added to this debt again. I woke up feeling heavily burdened and shamed for sins I have not recently commited and have already been forgiven for. I am free from my sin, yet Satan has a way of braiding guilt into our emotions so the feeling of our transgressions lingers beyond its place.
When I woke up, I didn't plan on telling Ben about my dream. Though it consumed me, I didn't want to hurt Ben by what had happened in it and I felt so guilty! I also thought that it was just a dream, and I didn't need to tell him because it wasn't real. It was just a dream - that's the truth. By no means would I ever do what happened in my dream...by no means would it be a desire in real life. Still, Satan's goal is to isolate us, or to make us feel isolated, and by not sharing my dream with Ben would be giving Satan that power.
Ben ended up sharing his dream with me first. As he was talking, the realization that these coinciding nightmares may have been an attack from Satan came to mind. I knew that I had to tell Ben at that point, and that it would be good for us rather than damaging. We both realized that Satan had been sharpening his sword while we were sleeping, and we immediately prayed for each other and for the rest of our day.
If we had not talked about our dreams, we would have stumbled through our day focusing on our own negativity rather than glorifying God. Satan uses any media possible to manipulate who we are as children of God. It is his goal to remove our focus from the glory of our creator. Who would have guessed that our dreams would be such a strong conductor from the electric current of his spark? But through Christ we have the power to start a fire under his plan. God gives us the power to expose the darkness of our dreams with His light, and triumphantly we are able to move on.
I wanted to share this because I'm sure we aren't the only ones this happens to. It was a "tada" moment when I realized that maybe spiritual warfare flows over into our slumber. Now we can move forward, awake to Satan's efforts to ruin us in our sleep.
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