The Labyrinth

Lately at counseling we've been talking about where I've run off to.  No, I don't mean literally.  I mean where the person I used to be went.  Some parts of that person I have willingly thrown over a cliff hoping that she will die (let's call her Shame). However, along with Shame was a confident, powerful, sexy young woman who I'm afraid clung herself to the beast I flung away and has completely disappeared.  Shame was so much stronger than Confidence that it locked her beyond my reach.  So...we've been working on finding her.  We've sent out a search party to rescue the essence of who God made me to be so I can be more than this shell, this mask, this hollow facade of what once was.
The loss of this girl has affected my friendships and my marriage.  I'm reserved and withdrawn, which makes me feel lonely and unknown.  And it's all my fault, I guess.  But I don't want to be like this!  I want to be bubbly and open and daring and exciting.  I want to be sexy and bold and desirable!  And today, I found a little piece of that girl simply by twirling my hair. 
Apparently when we access parts of our brain that take us to buried memories, our entire bodies revert to behavior associated with those memories. At one point during tonight's discussion, Ed asked "Did the girl you used to be play with her hair a lot?"  Well that was a weird question.  Without answering, I asked, "Why?" 
Before I exposed too much, I wanted to hear his motives.  I suddenly realized I had been twirling my hair that very moment...so what was the catch?  Then I remembered that when I'd go dancing (by far when I felt the most attractive and desirable) I'd twist my hair and pull it off of my neck.  As we'd been talking about this girl I want to be, the first clue at where that girl is came peeking out.  YES!!! She's still in there!  There is hope for saving this lost girl!

If you've ever seen that glorious 80's classic The Labyrinth, then you probably remember the scene where Sarah is in the maze and decides to mark her path with lipstick so she remembers her way back to where she started.  You probably also remember David Bowie in spandex, but that's a whole different discussion!  On every tile Sarah marks, little men speaking gibberish pop out of the ground and turn the square to face the wrong direction just as Sarah moves out of sight.  Finding the girl I want to be inside the hidden parts of my mind is like Sarah finding her way through the maze without her lipstick trail.  The trip is exhausting, trying, confusing and emotional.  Shame continually throws distractions and diversions in front of me, yet hopefully at the end of the journey I can say to my Shame, "You have no power over me!" and Confidence will be free.