Re-Teen Part 2: The Realization

In my last blog, I began by saying I've been doing a lot of self-discovery lately; however, I didn't actually get to explain any of that discovery.  In this blog I'm going to explain how it all started.  After the little (excuse me, big) argument between Ben and I, we decided this was something we needed to talk about at counseling.  That Thursday we discussed all sorts of things revolving around the idea that our lives together naturally gravitate toward Ben's desires and needs.  When we disagree on something, even little things like what spices to put on chicken, he gets his way.  It's my nature to default to the other person.  I've always thought of it as selfless and generous, but what I found out about my history with this sort of behavior is interesting.
Ed, our counselor, asked me about this pattern of compliance and we discovered that it started before I can even remember.  I've always defaulted to the other person in my relationships.  I actually think that's one of my good qualities as a teacher - that I actually care about what my students think, do, and desire.  Anyway, Ed said that this type of behavior often stems from a really rocky childhood.  Well, my parents got divorced when I was two or three, and my dad is a very angry person, so it would make sense that my early years were rocky.  I asked my mom if there was a lot of fighting in the house in the first couple years of my life, however, and she said no.  She said that my dad was always gone and she was really good about tip-toeing around in a way that would keep the peace.  Well, huh...no fighting.  So when I brought this up to Ed, his question was "Well, then who raised you?"  ...crickets...
For me personally, that's a hard question to answer.  I was passed around as a child, even in the first two years of my life.  My dad was always gone and my mom worked nearly sixty hours a week, so really she was always gone too.  My Aunt Ginna and my grandma took care of me the most, but I never had any solid ground.  Ah, so there it is...Ed said that one of the most important things in a person's first two years of life is the idea of "mirroring."  If you're my student and you're reading this, this might very well be something you learned in health class this semester.  Anyway, the idea of mirroring is that a baby learns his or her existence through the validation of those he or she bonds with.  A baby smiles, the mom smiles back, etc.  But this can't just happen from any person - this has to happen to a person you create a serious bond with, and if you're passed around from house to house all of your life you never have the chance to create that bond.  Because of how I was raised in the first two years of my life (and my whole life...this really didn't stop ever), I had two paths I could have commonly taken: defiance or compliance.  I am the compliant one.
What this means is that I never developed a sense of self.  My individuality was never validated through that necessary bond.  To add onto all this, my mom was a very lonely person.  She and I never fought (compliance) and we were always really close.  But the problem is that she depended on me.  Not that parents shouldn't depend on their children, but she depended on me to "complete" her, in a sense.  Without realizing it, her loneliness was my responsibility.
I remember one time in particular where this was the case.  It was the 4th of July the summer after seventh grade.  I went to a friend's house for the evening and had a wonderful time.  It was the first time I'd spent a holiday away from my mom, however.  When she picked me up, I could feel the tension in the air.  When we got home I walked to the front door and instead of following me she started the car and took off.  She left me on the porch by myself with no clue as to what I'd done wrong.  She came back about five minutes later (good thing, 'cause it was cold and dark) and explained how she'd felt so hurt that I hadn't spent the 4th of July with her.  She hadn't asked me to spend it with her, nor had she said anything about wanting me to when I mentioned going to my friend's place.  Instead I felt the repercussions of something I hadn't any fault in.  I didn't know that then, though.  Instead I felt guilty - a pattern that continues even to this day when I try to put something I want over someone else's desires.
This is the new skill I'm learning.  This is where the soul-searching comes in.  Because I've never put myself above other people, I have no idea what my desires are.  I don't know what I want in life.  I know little things, like what to do when I'm alone (that's another piece to the puzzle), but when it comes to other people and the bigger picture, I'm completely lost.
*sigh*  So, all that to explain this compliance that led to the blow-up between Ben and I and all of the soul-searching I've done lately.  For our entire marriage I've been succumbing to his desires without him knowing we even had different opinions.  The truth is that much of this wasn't his fault, however, there is still the issue of being inconsiderate...that'll have to be part 3.  Or part 4...the alone thing needs to come in here somewhere, too.